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How Aging Is Changing Me

I was visiting with a friend recently, sharing our experience of personal and spiritual evolution in these aging years. I wanted to try to describe what was happening for me because it's so amazing. I'll try to share it with you, too.

I am finding myself drawn inward to an inner consciousness that feels like another being. Reading Sri Aurobindo, I am seeing that experience more clearly. He calls it the Psychic Being - an inner source of enormous love and joy that I guess I've kept in check all these years, fearing it might lead me somewhere embarrassing or inappropriate. Now I realize that the self-directive controlling me, the ego me, has been a barrier not a catalyst, keeping this Great Being under wraps. I block its expansion. Aging has given me the permission to open that door now and welcome its consciousness.

It feels to me that I often write about stuff I intuit, and then, as if I had discovered a roadmap, find myself going there. It's happening now. And this deeper consciousness renders me far less concerned with productivity, performance, or personal significance - in fact, I really feel that I'm letting go of that whole enterprise of heroic ambition, trading it for a living divine consciousness so much more amazing, gratifying and immediate. From this perspective, conferences, books and notoriety seem far away and unimportant. I feel like I am standing at the edge of a vast and loving consciousness, that I am somehow becoming that consciousness, and the joy is immense. I don't share this strange stuff with very many people.

Intentionally entering this experience is transforming me from within, melting my longstanding and habitual emotional reactivity and personality contraction. From the perspective of this expanded inner consciousness, the "me" I've been used to all these years feels like a tired, worn out old overcoat - heavy and unnecessary. And I see that my "work" in the world is to be this consciousness, to surrender to it and bring it into the World of Man, not in any grand or public way, but simply by being. I always thought I had to do something important in the world - a legacy of narcissistic parenting; now I know this quest is false and delusional. I wrote my books in order to understand for myself the nature of self, spirituality, Presence, divinity, and the divine world. Now, in the freedom of aging, I want nothing more than to experience that Great Being as my nature and radiant its love. I believe the new humanity evolving in this new time will arise from this inner transformation - as we learn to welcome our divine nature into a world already divine.
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